Being Parents

By Denise Lai, BA, BSocSc (Hons), MEd
This article was first published in Baby Plus magazine, Volume 1 (c. 1995)

The thought of having a child brings about different reactions in expecting couples. Happiness, anxiety and even fear in some. Regardless of whether they are first -time parents or "veterans" in the art of child-raising, it is a period of strong emotions. A few couples share their joys and also disappointments as they envelop this unpredictable world called PARENTHOOD.

Parenthood begins the minute a couple finds out they are expecting! And regardless of whether the man and his wife are "first-timers" or veterans in the art of child-raising, the news of an approaching birth can stir up an entire range of strong emotions. I have heard of women feeling hugely despondent, overwhelmingly relieved, completely shocked or deliriously happy, depending on whether they expected or desired the conception.

Occasionally, the couple may each react differently to the pregnancy; as it happened in my case a few months ago when the pregnancy test I took yielded positive. My husband, the dear, jumped around with joy when I informed him of the result while I sat stone-faced and not a little dismayed. I recall that above all, the main thought that kept running through my mind at the time was "I'm not ready for the responsibility!"

And what responsibility! An expectant woman has to maintain her health and that of her unborn child's by watching what she eats, drinks and inhales. For myself personally, I had to start abstaining from favourites such as coffee and colas because of their caffeine content. I also had to bear with the inconvenience and difficulty of switching seats or moving away from cigarette smokers.

The "lady-in-waiting" has to exercise regularly and rest liberally as well. Furthermore, she should preserve as calm and as peaceful a frame of mind as possible throughout the duration of her pregnancy. (According to one midwife I spoke to, there have been incidents of women entering labour prematurely after a stretch of stressful events such as fights with the husband!)

The question of finance can add an extra weight of worry upon the couple. Most of the time, it is the father or the couple combined who bears the responsibility of providing for the new child. Yet whoever pays in the end, one has to acknowledge that being a parent entails financial planning and a certain degree of sacrifice. From the start, there are antenatal check-ups to attend. Later, the mother will have to acquire a roomier set of clothes. Even later, "baby things" become imperative and these run the gamut from a cot and high-chair to nappies, stretch-suits and toys. Of course, it is a fortunate couple who can depend on cast-offs and gifts from family, friends and well-wishers. But these will slow to a trickle. Eventually, it is the parents who will have to find and lay aside resources for the child's immediate and long-term needs, be they physical or educational.

The concerns of parenting therefore, can bring about significant emotional changes in both partners. Maturity usually sets in, as does pragmatism. On the other hand, negative feelings and behaviour can also become more obvious; such as resentment or irritability. Some partners may suddenly find their characteristically cheerful mate serious, withdrawn and quiet. Yet it is a consistent observation too that many adults, after having had a child, become "softer", more selfless individuals.

This contrast could be used to sum up the entire experience of parenting. Though it brings joy, parenthood also has its moments of disappointment. While it can yield great satisfaction and clear rewards, it can also raise deep-seated fears and anxieties.

Joy And Satisfaction

A mother I spoke to remembered how happiness and wonder filled her heart after delivering her first-born, a daughter. "I felt so grateful to God for such a beautiful gift. The baby was normal, strong and healthy. It amazed me that she had grown for nine months within my body!" Significantly, Laura also recalled feeling accomplished for "finally", she said, "I have become a real woman."

Eliza, a young mother with a three year-old son, told me that she too had felt a great deal of satisfaction about her womanhood, but specifically, it is related to breastfeeding. "It was strange in a way," she mused, "before the birth, I shuddered whenever my friends mentioned nursing. But when I finally experienced it, things changed! Eventually, I even found myself rushing home from work every lunch-time just to have my son at my breast!"

Other parents report feeling delighted at specific milestones of their child's life; when the first step is taken, when the first intelligible word is uttered. Many mention the reward of seeing the child perform well in school. Two ladies I spoke to however, also had these points to add. Karen, a mother of four with ages ranging from six to 15 says that she is happy when her children are happy. Furthermore, she enjoys the times when they respond to her in open affection or when she receives positive feedback from friends and acquaintances telling her that the children are good and well-behaved.

Ultimately though, parents frequently measure their success as parents after the child has reached adulthood. As Linda, a soon-to-be grandmother notes. "It is a relief when they finally start working or when they get married; when they show themselves to be responsible, diligent, filial and emotionally stable adults. Then, you feel that your work is done - only to start again perhaps with the grandchild!"

Fears and Disappointments

The rewards of parenting may more than make up for the problems that arise in rearing a child. But it would be misleading to say that these do not occasionally effect great stress and anxiety or that parents may sometimes regret having had the child! Being a parent involves coping with seasons of difficulty, and these could start from early on.

Pregnancy, for instance, is a time when many women report harbouring multiple fears. These would include the possibility of a miscarriage, the chance that the baby has an abnormality and increasing unattractiveness. For myself personally, the one great fear I experienced during the initial stage of my pregnancy was that I would inadvertently and unintentionally harm the foetus. When I read one day that pregnant women should refrain from eating liver because of the high amounts of Vitamin A contained within the organ, I almost burst into tears! I had eaten it twice before in the past week!

Anxiety is an all too common emotion for parents after the child has been delivered as well. Many mothers dread their child falling ill. "I would gladly be sick in his place" is what they often say. My own mother can still recount two incidents where my brother and I got hurt in our childhood. Both times, because of rough-and-tumble play, we needed minor surgery Damian for a deep tear in his chin and I for damaged front teeth. "You just can't imagine how my heart reacted on those occasions," she reiterates.

Rarely but sadly, parents may have to live with the fact that their child has a special need. This can cause considerable sorrow. I know personally for example, three couples with handicapped children: one child has Down's Syndrome, another, cerebral palsy and the last, a mental dysfunction. After the initial shock, all of the parents invariably blamed themselves for the child's problem. They felt guilty and depressed, one even contemplated suicide. It is in cases such as these when parenting must be at its most strenuous and challenging. The parent will have to give more in the way of understanding and patience. He will have to take pains to learn about the problem and how to deal with the child's unique needs.

Now obviously, this does not mean that raising a normal child is by any criteria, easy! As Karen above points out, "Each of my children have their own set of strengths and weaknesses. My husband and I have to think about their future. We have to help them grow strong in their weak areas."

However, this can be more problematic than it sounds. A child who is being disciplined by his mother may turn defiant and throw a tantrum. One lady confided in me that she gets extremely upset whenever her child behaves in such a manner. "It can be so exasperating when you just teach and teach and teach and the child simply refuses to respond!"

The Balance

Emotional weariness may thus be a constant hurdle for parents to cross in the daily grind of living, working and child-raising. So what keeps parents going? The impetus must surely be love. As Jon, Karen's husband, told me, "You learn to love and be loved when you have a child in the house."

Love then, may be called the axis of parenthood. It is what makes a parent seek for his child's best in spite of any sacrifices involved. It is what stirs a mother from her sleep in the middle of the night to check on her sick child. It is what compels a father to work doubly hard at the office so as to be able to afford that extra something for his child's comfort and pleasure.

The love which a parent feels for his or her child bears the frustrations of disappointments, perseveres in its belief that the child has potential, hopes for the child's good continually and endures all that may cause pain and disillusionment. It waits for those rewarding moments of joy and satisfaction, yet does not recoil when these do not happen immediately. It means accepting the child as he is. Being a parent therefore, means loving and giving, over many years, concerning many things. And honestly, after all that has been said, I am impatient to see and hold the little one who is still, at the present, growing within me.

If you have found the information in this article useful, please pass it on to your friends.

The Wee Care Baby Institute runs a Post-Natal Home Visit Programme for children aged 0-6mo. For more information, please visit our website at www.weecare.com.sg.