WHEN FEELINGS MATTER
helping children think emotionally and intelligently

By Denise Lai, BA, BSocSc (Hons), MEd
This article was first distributed to parents in February 2004.

Learning to Co-operate	Persevering when Untying Knots

My daughters and I play a little game whenever I return home from work each day. The minute the door-alarm sounds, they hide. And the minute I enter the house, I seek. My younger daughter, aged 4 now, finds immense satisfaction in particular when I succeed in locating her eventually, under the table in her play-room typically, but also sometimes in my bathroom or behind the door.

It was not always in these hideouts though. For about a year between the time she was 2 and 3, Tamara would simply bury her face in a cushion on the sofa (if she was watching TV) or on the dining chair (if she happened to be having her dinner), much like the proverbial ostrich with its head in the sand. My husband shook his head the first time he saw her like that. "Do you mean to say that she thinks we cannot see her?" he asked me in wonder. "Well, yes," I answered with a laugh, and then patted her on the backside. "Hey there, monster," I said, "I can still see you."

I am sure that she understands this now, but there are times when she yet feels compelled to shut her eyes so obliquely, in the innocent and egocentric manner that all young children are known for perhaps, before age and maturity set in. "If I can't see you, then surely, you can't see me".

But we know, of course, that this (dare I say "childish") belief is not true. But how we have learnt to take the perspective of another person, and how we behave as a result of this knowledge, is very much tied up with the development of a Theory of Mind, which is further related to the larger, all-encompassing paradigm of Emotional Intelligence, as first put forth by Daniel Goleman, in his book of the same name. He writes,

"In a sense, we have two brains, two minds - and two different kinds of intelligence: rational and emotional. How we do in life is determined by both - it is not just IQ, but emotional intelligence that matters" (1995, p.28).

Other psychologists have espoused this expanded view of intelligence also, including Howard Gardner, who calls them the personal intelligences, and Peter Salovey, who sub-categorises the concept into five main domains. These include,

1. Knowing One's Emotions - meaning self-awareness; recognizing a feeling as it happens, which forms the keystone of emotional intelligence
2. Managing Emotions - which refers to handling feelings so that they are appropriate to the situations in which they have occurred
3. Motivating One's Self - which refers to the directing of our emotions in the service of a goal that may further require Emotional Self-Control - such as being able to delay gratification and stifle impulsiveness
4. Recognizing Emotions in Others - where empathy is the fundamental "people skill", that allows us to know how others think, and feel, and what they need or want
5. Handling Relationships - which refers to the skills required in managing emotions in others that further undergird popularity, leadership and interpersonal effectiveness

To return to the example of my younger daughter then, I might say that we still have a long way to go before she could be considered properly, emotionally intelligent! Never mind the times I have had to manage her tantrums and petty sibling jealousies. Never mind the annoying habits like wiping greasy fingers all over my two-thousand-dollar sofa, or jumping on my tummy when I am trying to read a book. Even when we play, the scope of emotionally intelligent skills that I could teach her is wide and far-reaching indeed. For one, I could ask her about how she feels about my return home. Or I could talk about my excitement and joy, and my sense of loss when she does not appear. And perhaps I might keep it a secret how I wonder at these initial ways in which she is managing me, her mother, coyly teasing me to give her the attention that she wants after a long day away.

These thoughts and ideas that I have had of her, and of the other children whom I have worked with at Wee Care (both normally developing children and those with special learning needs) prompted me, in year 2001, to the inclusion of an emotional curriculum in all of the learning programmes that our centre provides. I believe that on top of all of the other objectives that a school should provide, the development of children who can think intelligently with their emotional minds is also of utmost important.

It is important for children who are developing normally because children grow up to become teenagers and adults in a very difficult world, where violence, depression and a host of other social ills, rule. A high-EQ child who becomes a high-EQ adult could function as an important beacon of light amidst the rough seas and troubled waters of life, where collisions and disaster strike even the most intrepid traveler. As Daniel Goleman concludes,

"… we have not bothered to make sure that every child is taught the essentials of handling anger or resolving conflicts positively - nor have we bothered to teach empathy, impulse control, or any of the other fundamentals of emotional competence. By leaving the emotional lessons children learn to chance, we risk largely wasting the window of opportunity presented by the slow maturation of the brain to help children cultivate a healthy emotional (and consequently, social) repertoire."

(1995, p. 286, words in italics and brackets included by present writer)

The development of an emotional intelligence is also important for children with autism because many of the deficits apparent in the disorder have a social-cognitive basis. That is, teaching the child with autism (a) how to identify, manage and respond to emotions in himself and in others, as well as (b) how to motivate himself to stay focused or to delay gratification, target the exact same skills that are required for normalized and effective social functioning in the day-to-day aspects of human interaction and living.

And it would be nice to add at this point that we have seen many of our students of varying ages, abilities and cultural backgrounds benefit from this emotional curriculum; where they understand why it upsets others to snatch or to push or scream; where they understand why it is important to wait before obtaining a desired toy or food item; and where they can practise how to read social signals and respond effectively, graciously and calmly in return. Importantly, we have tried to teach these important emotional skills through varied and creative means, through a combination of play techniques (for instance, structured group games and sensori-motor activities), drama & imaginative role-play, direct teaching, as well as contrived and engineered settings (as when the class-teacher feigns knowledge of knowing that a cereal box contains crayons rather than Froot Loops, so that the children begin to realize that it is possible to have false beliefs, which is an aspect of taking the - this time, erroneous - perspective of another person).

To give you a better idea of how an emotional curriculum could be incorporated into the home or school setting, whether these be in groups or when working individually with a child, I have outlined a number of activities drawn from Wee Care's learning programmes below. I hope that it will inspire you to come up with other creative means of teaching Emotional Intelligence, so that all of the children whom you care about can also acquire the deep and long-lasting legacy of emotional literacy. Happy learning!

Objective: To Manage One's Emotions

Objective: To Motivate One's Emotions

Objective: To Recognise Emotions in Others

Objective: To Handle Relationships Well

REFERENCES

1. Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (New York: Bantam Books, 1995)
2. Peter Salovey & John D. Mayer, "Emotional Intelligence" in Imagination, Cognition & Personality 9 (1990, pp.185-211)

If you have found the information in this article useful, please pass it on to your friends.

For more information on the Bright Starts Preschool Programme for ages 2-6yo, please visit our website at www.weecare.com.sg.