Learning to Share
The ability to share, it seems, is the result of many different forces. These may be classified as who the child is, what he is asked to share and whom he is asked to share with.

By Denise Lai, BA, BSocSc (Hons), MEd
This article was first published in Motherhood magazine in July 1994.

Three-year-old Amelia is an only child. During the day, she attends a child-care class with about 20 other children. Amelia's parents, however, are worried about her. She hates seeing them with other children. She throws a tantrum, fusses and generally acts to regain their attention.

Michael is a two-year-old boy who was orphaned at birth. Before his recent adoption, his life revolved around a large, drab toy-less room filled with 20 other cots and boys. Now, Michael is charming, friendly and sociable. He mixes very well with other children, seeing them as exciting playmates in a colourful world.

Gareth, five, and Marvin, four, are brothers. Both of them sometimes fight over toys. But they also remember the other on occasion: "This sweet I save for kor kor."

Identical twins Christine and Karen are bonded by a strong cord of love, friendship, trust and cooperation. They share the same bed and the same toys. They protect each other's possessions as their own particularly from their elder brother who is always discriminated against.

Fabian has a brother three years his senior and a sister five years younger. His mother describes him as having been "the easiest baby anyone could ever imagine". A relaxed, congenial boy, Fabian extends generosity to friends and family alike.

The further I examined the subject of sharing, the more amazed I became at the spectrum of behaviour displayed by children. The ability to share, it seems, is the result of many different forces. These may be classified as who the child is, what he is asked to share and whom he is asked to share with.

SOME KIDS ARE MORE WILLING TO SHARE

A child is born with his own temperaments and his own characteristic way of behaving. Experts speak of two aspects of a child's nature which may account for the ability to share; namely, emotionality (easy-going vs intense) and sociability (a preference for solitary play or play with others). One would expect that the more happy-go-lucky the child is generally, the greater is his ability to share. Similarly, a child who usually withdraws from the company of -others can easily be seen as unwilling to share his time, his belongings, his world.

Some believe that the child's sex also explains the tendency to share. They feel that girls from infancy onwards tend to emphasise attachment whereas boys insist on being separate and different. This may be true to a certain extent. Unlike identical girl twins, as in the case of Christine and Karen above, boy twins are said to be competitive and envious. One father recounted how his twin sons refused to share a bedroom and chose very different hobbies and interests.

Among children who are not twins, however, it is frequently very difficult to predict how they will behave from their sex alone. I am sure that many readers would know of a cold and selfish sister but a warm and loving brother-pair! Or they might, on the other hand, be aware of a bickering brother and sister twosome and a harmonious duo.

A child is a curious product of his genes and upbringing. While factors like sex and personality are important, a child is also shaped by the environment which he grows up in. My best friend, an only child, remembered how in primary school his nickname was "fishmonger" because he "sel(l)-fish"! He recalled how surprised and puzzled he was by the term. Only children, however, by virtue of their circumstances, tend to learn later the thoughtfulness and readiness to share.

In contrast, the eldest in a family would learn very quickly that his belongings were at risk of damage by irritating younger siblings. He might thus, as a result of this experience, grow more guarded with what is his, yet exhibit sharing behaviour because his parents expect and tell him to give in. However, if the age gap is very wide (say 10 years), the elder child might share with the younger very agreeably, acting as a surrogate parent.

GROWING SENSITIVITY TO SOCIAL STANDARDS

The older a child grows, the more sensitive he becomes to social standards and rules. While a toddler may not want to share, he soon matures to being aware that other people have feelings too. He develops empathic unawareness, the bedrock of sharing and giving. Also, the older child has greater self-control. He can wait for his turn. He has experienced the fights that result from not sharing. He has a better sense of fairness.

One would expect that the more happy-go-lucky the child is generally, the greater is his ability to share. Similarly, a child who usually withdraws from the company of others can easily be seen as unwilling to share his time, his belongings, his world.

The school acts to reinforce this. In my preschool class, for instance, there is only one pink coloured-pencil to be shared with seven others. It illustrates how the child who has left home to obtain an education is immediately de-centred. He becomes one among many others. Within a wide circle of his peers, the child has to establish his identity and yet learn to get along. And human nature will urge him to do so.

Human beings are social animals. Whatever personality differences there are among children, each will desire contact with others. Studies have shown that from the age of six months, babies "share" objects with others, giving as well as receiving toys, food and so on. Similarly, when toddlers come together, even if they have not met before, they are likely to share, give and take

WHAT TO SHARE & WHOM TO SHARE WITH

The development of friendship further strengthens the ability and need to share. Several investigations have revealed that young children define a friend as "somebody you play and share things with". Funnily enough, a child may enjoy sharing with a friend yet refuse to share with a brother or sister.

This picks up on the factor mentioned earlier; that the interaction partner influences whether the child shares or not. A friend remarked how her toddler was opposed to sharing with people outside her immediate family. Many of us would also remember a "best friend" or a favourite uncle whom we shared more with while growing up, perhaps in hidden secrets and childish pranks.

"Studies have shown that from the age of six months, babies "share" objects with others, giving as well as receiving toys, food and so on."

Sometimes, a child may be very open to sharing objects with others (even desired or personal ones) but selfish with non-materials, especially parental attention. A number of children regard this as their rightful own. One mother has regular battles at the dinner table. Her youngest daughter dislikes it when mummy listens for too long to eldest brother and thus tries all means and ways to disrupt the talk! In the case of Amelia above, attention-getting devices include tantrums.

TEACHING A CHILD TO SHARE

It is a widely-accepted fact that children can be taught to share, even those precious items dear to them. In fact, some experts insist that the development of positive social behaviours such as sharing can only take place through observational learning; the imitation and modelling of significant others (for example, parent, grandparent, teacher.

Note, here, that they say observation and imitation: "Daddy shares the cake with mummy. I share the cake with jie jie." It has been shown that modelling is much more powerful in teaching positive behaviours than direct preaching or instruction. A child begins to view sharing as a natural act to perform rather than a forced obligation. The act of sharing becomes voluntary and spontaneous, and is in itself rewarding.

This does not mean, of course, that the child should not be praised after a deed of sharing. Showing pleasure and approval of a child's charitable conduct would encourage him to repeat the behaviour in the future. In contrast, blaming or punishing the child who has not shared might create in him the motive to avoid such situations subsequently.

Moreover, a parent can hope that the child will simply observe sharing behaviour in everyday life and imitate it readily. But modelling can also be consciously performed by the parent for the child's viewing. Take, for example, a party scenario where there is only one chocolate bar, two adults and three children. The parent can make a game of the situation by clearly dividing the bar into "one piece for Cindy, one for Janet, one for Aunty Doris, one for me…" and so on.

There is really very little reason to fear that a child who has been exposed to sharing and generous behaviour will not himself display the virtue too. But, as another wise and veteran writer once put down, occasionally, "time and patience are needed". After all that has been said, therefore, maybe it is appropriate to add now that as parents and teachers, we should perhaps focus less on the children and more on ourselves. We are the pattern for their growth into considerate and humane persons.

If you have found the information in this article useful, please pass it on to your friends.

The Wee Care Baby Institute and Early Education and Preschool Centre provides programmes that encourage the development of early Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and social skills in young children aged 0-24mo and 2-6yo respectively. For more information, please visit our website at www.weecare.com.sg.