Parenting Roles and Styles
3 Roles and 5 Styles for Super Parents

Compiled by Wee Care’s Early Childhood Team
This article was first published in Because We Care newsletter in November 2002.

It’s the moment that both of you have been waiting for. One last push … and Baby pops out into the doctor’s hands and then into your loving arms. You are overjoyed, teary, excited and awestruck all at the same time. Your mind fills with dreams and hopes, and you tell yourself that you are going to be the best parent that Baby will ever have. As the moments become minutes, and the minutes grow into hours, days, weeks and months, that split-second aspiration to be “The Best” slowly fades in view of the more pressing matters like getting the bills paid, the diapers changed, the feeds done and the ailments attended to.

All too quickly, the little bundle of joy is anything but little. She lifts her head, rolls over and sits up. Smiling, she looks inquisitively at you with a twinkle in her eyes. Suddenly, you feel overwhelmed. What should you do now?

“Because the origins of human competence are to be found in the critical period of development between 8 and 18 months of age, the child’s experiences during this brief period do more to influence future intellectual competence than any time before or after.” - Dr James Dobson, “The Strong-Willed Child”

Here are more tips from Dr Burton L White of the Harvard University’s Preschool Project, as well as child psychologists, Dr Dan Kindlon and Dr Michael Thompson.

The Three Roles

1. Be “Mommy”

Besides being the main provider of a multitude of needs, Mommy is a key figure in her child’s learning of empathy and care for others. Dr White says, “The single most important environmental factor in the life of the child is his mother.” This, of course, results in her carrying a great deal of weight and influence over her child’s life.

2. Be the “Involved Daddy”

Recent research gives compelling evidence that an involved father who is emotionally close is good for his children. They tend to be smarter, have better psychological health, do better in school and get better jobs when they grow up. Because of greater educational attainment, moreover, the children are less likely to commit delinquent acts, such as vandalism or drug-peddling.

Little boys, especially, benefit further in terms of emotional development, when their fathers take time to grow close to them and to show them how to express more emotion and feeling.

Another plus of having Daddy around is the opportunity to engage in an active, stimulating style of play, such as bouncing, tossing, rolling and swinging. This type of play is highly arousing for the child and is said to contribute to both cognitive and emotional development.

3. Be a Family

Mommy, Daddy and Baby make a Family, and an intact family means well-adjusted children. Dr White suggests: “If we are going to produce capable, healthy children, it will be by strengthening family units and by improving the interactions that occur within them.”

Simply put, this means that father and mother must be clear on their roles as parents to their children and as spouses to each other. There is love and respect for each another in words and actions, providing a structure within which family goals can be achieved.

The Five Styles

Besides these three roles, Super Parents are known to practise the following styles:

1. Live Wire

Super Parents are Live Wires who direct a significant amount of live language to their children, making a vital contribution to the development of fundamental linguistic, intellectual and social skills. This live language is adult-initiated and should not be confused with television, radio or overheard conversations. Researchers go on to suggest that providing a rich social life for a 12-15 month old child is one of the best things parents can do to guarantee a good mind.

The Live Wire Style is one of the basic tenets of all the programmes at Wee Care. Our Educators “bombard” infants, tots and preschoolers with spoken language in every class. More vocal ones, aged between 25 to 28 months, have been able to go home and repeat to their parents with amazing accuracy what their teachers taught them for the day.

2. Superb Organiser

Super Parents are also Superb Organisers of their children’s environment. Having comfortable and well planned homes (regardless of size or type), and a clear daily routine for their children within that environment, are usually good starting points. As parents keep to the routine and remain organised, they demonstrate one very important truth: that the children are safe and secure. In addition to this, the children learn aspects of discipline by following the routine.

3. Non-Restrictive Protector

The Non-Restrictive Protector is a balance of the Superb Organiser. While the latter risks over-controlling the environment and leaving their child with little room for creativity and surprises, the Non-Restrictive Protector gives the children the space and time for safe exploration and discovery.

For example, parents using this style may allow their children to play with a kitchen pot and a ladle. In fact, research has found that such children progress faster than those whose movements are restricted.

4. Loving but Firm Disciplinarian

Regardless of whether discipline means time-out, the withdrawal of privileges or a tap on the bottom, Super Parents mete it out firmly while simultaneously showing great affection for their children. In this way, the Loving but Firm Disciplinarian establishes authority and teaches the child to respect it without causing him/her to feel rejected and/or displaced.

5. Always Available

Finally, Super Parents are always available. They permit their children to interrupt them for brief 30-second episodes, during which personal consultation, comfort, information, and enthusiasm are exchanged. It is always better to take a 30-second break to share some cookies with Junior, than to find out 30 minutes later that Junior has fallen down and hurt himself while trying to reach for the cookie container.

These five styles are not always easy to practise, especially in the initial period, but they are achievable. So Super Parenthood, here we come!

If you have found the information in this article useful, please pass it on to your friends.

The two books which inspired this feature article are “The Strong-Willed Child” (Dr James Dobson) and “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys” (Dr Dan Kindlon and Dr Michael Thompson).

Wee Care encourages fathers especially to attend the Parent-Child PlayGroups together with their children and wives. For more information on this and other programmes for Infant Development and Early Childhood Education, please visit our website at www.weecare.com.sg.